So I haven't been writing anything lately, almost a month to be exact. Mainly cause I've been extremely busy being a badass and banging bitches (also known as working 12 hour days). I also have no motivation to write anymore ever since Billy Mays died. It's like a piece of my life is gone forever. In a show of respect I have decided to not use my OxiClean for a full week. My clothes will be as dull as the life I now live without him in it. All the Mighty Puddy in the world can not mend my broken heart.

In all seriousness, I'm gonna make sure to keep posting stuff as much as possible. It might not be as funny as the other stuff, but let's face it no matter what it's gonna be funnier than anything else on this site. Mainly because I am such a talented writer, and also funny as shit.

So once again sorry for the lack of material here lately. Don't blame me. Blame big business. If you guys really want me to write more I suggest giving me money so I don't have to work anymore. True story. And if you don't give a shit what I write...then what the hell man, I'm trying here. And I'm tired. So yea....suck it.

Now I am not one to get serious about an issue on this blog, but some issues that are called to my attention are impossible not to address. Religion is one of those topics that you tend to stay away from if you're aiming for humor, but I'm here to tempt the gods, or whoever you think you answer to, and make this attempt.

When it comes to religion, there are followers and then there are people who do it just to be "cool". It's these "cool" people that I wanna rip on today. And you know exactly who you are. If you become a muslim just because you think it will make you different and unique, then you are an idiot. Religion doesn't make you cool. If it did, then I would have a cross strapped to my back daily when I walked the streets. Jesus style. Shit, Jesus was probably the coolest guy ever back in his day. I guarantee he got plenty of ass, people just didn't feel the need to write it down in the bible. Hell, that book is long enough as it is.

But what I'm really worried about is all the posers. Yes, posers. Not the skaters and those homos, but the white kids who wear all their muslim shit and the fake buddhists. Just cause you like to look at a statue of a naked fat dude it doesn't make you a buddhist. It makes you gay. You know that you don't actually follow the shit that they preach, otherwise you would be in a temple instead of talking to the girls at the bar about your "spiritual journey".

As a catholic man, I can honestly say I don't give a fuck about religion. Organized worship just equates into cult status. But I did start drinking wine at a young age, so they weren't all that bad. Except if you consider that I was an altar boy, and always had to keep my ass covered. But I digress. The moral of this story is that noone cares about your religion, or what you "believe". Keep it to yourself, otherwise I will beat you with that little fat dude statue.

God damn it's been a while. I'm sorry loyal readers. I've been a bit busy lately, with all the sexual conquests and whatnot. Just recently I had sex with 4 pornstars, 5 strippers, and 9 Maxim cover models. It was a busy Wednesday night. But fear not, I have plenty of shit on my mind, and as usual I will be unloading this stuff all over your faces (ed. note: not my spunk, unless you're hot)

Now this is gonna be a short little rant, but it's absolutely something that pisses me off. The topic of the day is Uggs. These god forsaken excuses for footwear are the ugliest things I've ever seen. It's like someone murdered a fucking yeti and slapped his fur on a girls foot. These things are ridiculous, and even more ridiculous is that chicks wear them in the summer.

You know, back in the day women only wore snow boots to walk in the snow. Hence why they are snow boots. These days either all women are fucking retarded, or have a completely distorted view on life. If you see a girl on the street with a skirt on and a pair of uggs, I want you to punch her in the face. Maybe that will knock the retard out of her. Either that or it would be really funny.

The only redeeming quality of these boots is that they make it possible to identify skanks very easily. You can spot Uggs from a few blocks away, so therefore you can spot easy ass a few blocks away. Basically if you see a girl with Uggs and a skirt, she's only walking around because noone has offered her a bed to lay on yet. Will you be the guy brave enough to offer her that bed my man? I think you will. Just remember, those boots will be at the foot of the bed the whole time you're slipping it in her. And if she's really dumb, she'll be wearing them in the bed.

So please ladies, take off the boots. They look dumb, and no guy think's that it's attractive. And if you are one of the ladies skanky enough to wear them with a skirt, please call me or leave your number in the shoutbox. I don't discriminate when it comes to ladies in my bed. Unless you're fat of course, then stay away Shamu. Until next time, later bitches.

Well this little entry stems from an altercation that the boys and I had over the weekend. And it's something that has been eating at me for years. It's a problem suffered by many young men these days, and I fear it's becoming an epidemic. That problem, my friends, is the Jew-Fro.

Now, the Jew-Fro isn't anything new. It's been around since the dawn of time, or at least the dawn of ugly jewish men. It's like these guys never heard of a comb, or a brush. Is there a reason your head looks like the end of a frayed tampon? Seriously, what makes you think that this looks good?

On Friday night, Jay, Jim, and myself were enjoying a night out on the town when a young lad with a massive Jew-Fro decided to confront us. The douche in question decided it was a good idea to attack us, and we responded like any upstanding gentelman would. We insulted him, and his ridiculous Jew-Fro. Now, I'm not one to point out peoples flaws as a last resort, but douchebag decided to point out mine, calling me fatass several times. And let's face it, I'm a large guy. But fuck that dude, you're hair is ridiculous, and that automatically makes me better than you.

But enough about this one sad excuse for a tool. Let's get back to the real issue at hand, which is the hair-do of champions. And by champions, I mean fags. So, champions of the cock would be more like it. All I want is for these asshole's to do one of two things. Either admit that you enjoy looking like a piece of broccoli, or admit you made a terrible mistake and chop that shit off.

I swear, one day I am just gonna take a weedwhacker to one of these kids heads. In all honesty it would probably look better than anything they could have done to themselves. And who are the soulless barbers that cut their hair? If a Jew-Fro sat down in a chair in front of me and said "keep the fro, just make it look nice", I would cut his head off. Because a dead Jew-Fro is the only way a Jew-Fro looks good.

So in closing...I hate jews. Wait, that's for a different posting, my bad. I mean I hate jew-Fro's. If you are reading this and you are currently sporting one of these sad excuses for a hair style, either cut that shit off, or end your life. Until next time, later bitches.

Now this latest entry might get the police to start asking me questions, but I feel it has to be said. Hollywood is a brilliant place, using sex appeal to sell shit to us for many years. They slap Jessica Alba's face on a some cooking appliances and then presto, I become the god damn Iron Chef. But I think they have crossed a line. It's the same line that constitutes statutory rape. My friends, Hollywood has stumbled into pedophilia.

Now don't get me wrong, I find these 16 year old actresses (ed note: haha, who are we kidding they can't act) to be pretty attractive. To say I wouldn't like to shack up with Miley Cyrus would be a lie. Can you imagine getting to hook up with her? And when it starts to get too repetitive, she just throws on that wig and bam, you're now banging Hannah Montana. What a dream that would be. But why does Hollywood feel the need to throw these girls in our faces daily?

The worst of all is Disney. They try to be a wholesome family company, but then they go around parading this hot preteen ass all over their media like it's fucking Maxim or something. Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez are just two of the little girls/sexy bitches that this company produces. And not to mention the girls that have since graduated from being Disney jailbait to full time hottie. Hillary Duff, Lindsay Lohan, Ashley Tisdale, Vanessa Hudgens. All these chicks we parading around in skimpy outfits for Mickey Mouse long before they turned 18.

The same goes for the flip side of this argument. And by that I mean young boys that have older women after them. For instance, I'm sure the Jonas Brother's are a nice group of kids who enjoy playing music. Do they really need some 40 year old lady's granny panties thrown at them while they are trying to do what they love? Seriously, take it easy grandma. Chances are if you're still single at 40, and hitting on adolescent kids, it wasn't just bad luck that stopped you from finding a guy all these years. You're either batshit crazy, or ugly as fuck. Or a combination of the two, also known as Mickey Rourke Disease.

So I guess all I'm trying to really say here is that little girls are sexy. Wait, was that my point? Fuck, I can't really remember where I was going anymore. The thought of a threesome with Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana has been running around in my head all day. Well I guess that's it then. If you need me, I'll be in my room with a bottle of lotion and a copy of Teen Beat magazine. Until next time, later bitches.

By now you all know that I am awesome and have talents that are matched only by the gods, so I figured I would break from the usual today and do something different. Now I am not one to go around promoting things for people, because fuck them, they can do it on their own. But what I'm plugging today holds a special place in my heart.

The Stop Sound is a local Pittsburgh band made up of Dan Murillo, Matt Fazio, Jesse Evans, and Tyler Underarmour (ed note: it's really Undereiner, but my version is cooler). They play some pretty good stuff, as evidence of the video posted above. They play a ton of covers, as well as a bunch of their own songs that kick ass. If you wanna check them out go to www.myspace.com/thestopsound . If you are a true supporter of TBB (the baltimore blog, for those of you retards and illiterates out there, but if you're illiterate then how are you reading this anyway? Hmmm, interesting...fuck I'm rambling again), then I suggest you support this band as well. You may be wondering, "Why would I support them, what do they have to do with TBB?" Well the answer to that is very simple. Cause I fucking said so.

In all honesty, I have sang some guest vocals for these guys and it's always a blast. Not just because its fun, but because I was blessed with the voice of an angel. I'm like a cross between Sinatra and Elvis, with the cock of Tommy Lee, and the guitar skills off Slash. That's right, I'm a musical Jesus. But enough about me, and my supreme awesomeness. Back to the band at hand (booyah, rhyming mother fucker)

So in conclusion, check out The Stop Sound, and if you enjoy them buy their stuff on Itunes. If you guys can't afford it, then stop reading this and get a job. Seriously, it's like 5 bucks, I wipe my ass with that kind of money. Sure, I still spend it afterwards, but what else am I supposed to do when the toilet paper runs out?

I was surfing the net, and what did I see?
An ad for some hookers, sluts and TV's
I thought to myself, "Gee, I love me some sluts,
with large firm breasts, and thick shapley butts"
So I clicked on the ad, and to Craigslist I went,
To get me some ass, without money being spent.

As I rifled through the ads, a thought popped into my head,
I wonder if this is how diseases are spread.
But no matter the risk, I really need ass,
So I clicked on some ads, to find me a lass.
Now the funny thing is, not all ads are for real,
You email these sluts, and they make you a deal.
For 15 bucks you can see my snatch,
Man I wanted to get laid, but there's always a catch.

So I kept on my search, for a girl with no morals,
Ignoring the ones, where she said she wont do oral.
And then to my shock, I clicked on an ad,
With a smoking hot chick who said she wanted to be bad.
So I emailed this broad, and to my surprise,
The lady was real, and wanted me between her thighs.

So we set up a date, for 2 hours later.
My dream girl was coming, I was no longer a masturbater.
I cleaned up the apartment, washed the sheets on my bed,
And thanked the dear lord that I was about to get head.
The doorbell rang, and she made her way in,
I might go to hell, but this is one sexy sin.

She got to the door, I opened it up.
She wasn't exactly the girl from the picture but I thought, "Eh, what the fuck"
We went to my room, and my pants dropped right off
She started off slow, teasing and shit,
I started off fast, grabbing on her big tits.
So we started to kiss, and she grabbed on my dong,
I slid off her pants, to reveal her sweet thong.

Now she's down on her knees, and my blood starts to boil,
And I just keep thinking did I get the baby oil?
Then she looks up at me, says "Baby, its time"
So I look her once over and think "damn this girl is a dime"
Then she gets on my bed, and says "Go on, take me"
And I'm ready for some loving, I hope this chick doesn't break me.
Then she slides off her thong, and to my fucking shock.
This chick aint no lady, she's got a big cock.

So I punched her in the face, and threw her our the door.
Thats what I get for emailing a Craigslist whore.